Phobia
by Imagine Anne Morgan
Summary: While Randy insists on further gentrifying South Park Stan spots a large python on the wall behind the Mayor's desk. He soon realizes he's not the only person in town with Ophidiophobia. (The fear of snakes).


Phobia:

"Why do I have to go to work with you?" Stan whined. He was grounded because he and Cartman destroyed a fence and wouldn't own up to it. He'd rather be hanging out with his friends than going to the Mayor's office so his father could pitch the plans for new lofts to her on his Saturday afternoon.

"You're grounded and your mom's at work and Shelly's at a sleepover. I couldn't get a sitter." Randy explained with irritation. His father knocked on the door and the Mayor of South Park called him in.

"Mayor..." She cut him off before he could even begin to pitch his idea.

"Jesus Christ Marsh! Not this again!" She sighed with exasperation.

Everyone else had dropped the PC progressive movement after they saw the damage it caused to the town. His father was the only one who still supported it.

"These are the blueprints for the new lofts. There's a developer coming and I need your approval to go ahead with this." Randy explained to her even though she clearly wasn't interested.

When she stood up and let his dad have it he didn't think it was so boring coming to work with Randy after all.

"Why don't you shove those up your ass Marsh?" She snarled. "We're done with the progressive revamp project. The city is broke because of it. I've got debt collector monkeys on my back!"

His face turned white when he saw it. He was surprised she hadn't noticed it yet. On the wall behind the Mayor's desk was a fifteen foot python slithering around the window. He hated snakes. They scared him. His friends mocked him and called him a "little wuss" whenever he screamed like a girl over one.

He pointed the snake out to her and screamed. "SNAKE!"

"Whoa! That's a big python." Randy sounded impressed. He hid behind his father too afraid to make any sudden movements.

"What the hell are you two talking about?" He still didn't understand why she hadn't noticed the giant fucking python slithering across the wall behind her desk and judging by the amount of paperwork she had building on the desk she'd been in her office all day.

"SNAKE!" He screamed again and pointed at the window.

When she finally turned around to see what they were talking about and noticed the python she screamed. It was blood curdling like she was being murdered. Officer McDaniels rushed into the office when he heard the screaming.

"Oh hell!" He screamed like his mother. "Oh, hell no! I'm out!"

"JOHNSON!" McDaniels screamed. The aide rushed in and straight away he noticed the python on the wall and the look of sheer terror on his boss's face. He ushered them out and Mayor McDaniels locked them all in Johnson's office while he called the police department to get rid of the snake.

XXXX

He was surprised to see that the Mayor and her son were freaking out over a snake. He thought he was the only person in town afraid of them.

"You guys are scared of snakes?" He asked curiously.

"I fucking hate slimy things that slither!" McDaniels panicked. All of the colour had drained from her face.

"Don't get me started." Officer McDaniels added equally petrified. "It's bad enough that the guys at the station are gonna give me hell for this."

"My friends call me a wuss." His admission seemed to make Alex feel better. "Cartman rips on me because of it."

"Mayor?"Chief Barbrady called as he knocked on the door. "What's going on?"

When they emerged she told him about the snake and ordered him to get rid of it.

"A snake?" Barbrady seemed annoyed. "You called me here over a snake?"

"It's a giant fucking python dude!" He explained.

"It's just a snake." Randy shrugged. "Nothing to freak out over."

She scowled at Randy who backed away from her. The Mayor of South Park was scary when she was mad. "Get that fucking snake out of the building NOW!" She screamed at the police department.

"Wow!" Mitch said to Sergeant Yates. They'd never seen their boss panic like this before. "I didn't know she was afraid of them."

"Mary." Barbrady tried to be as reassuring as he could. "Calm down Mary."

He buried his face in his arm. That wasn't how to calm someone down and McDaniels was hysterical.

"Don't patronise me George!" She snapped at him. "Get that damned thing out of here NOW!"

"Jee whiz!" Barbrady turned to the other officers. "You heard her. Get rid of the snake."

It took five police and an animal control officer to get the snake out of the building. Alex stayed behind with his mother so he didn't have to go near it again. Relief washed over Stan when he realised he wasn't the only guy in town afraid of them and he wasn't the only one who copped flack for it either.

The cops brought the carrier with the snake inside passed them without realising Mayor McDaniels had backed up against the wall to get away from it. "Why would you bring that near me?"

"S-sorry Mayor. Alex." Mitch and Foley were laughing at Officer McDaniels who scowled at them when they walked by.

News of the snake incident at City Hall had spread across town. Cartman sent him a text message: "Ha ha. You're a little wuss!"

He replied once. "Shut up Fat Ass!"

XXXX

Later that evening at the McDaniels Manor she was in the mood for love. He had done her a favour getting rid of the snake for her.

"Oh George!" She crooned. She wore her best red laced nightgown for him. He embraced her and she let his hands wander while she covered his face with kisses and undid his uniform. "My hero!" She exclaimed between kisses. "You got rid of the snake for me."

"I should get rid of snakes more often." He giggled. He returned her kisses and stripped her out of her laced nightgown.

Before they could continue their passionate love making their young daughters were standing in the doorway staring at them. When she noticed her little twins she immediately stopped what she was doing and covered herself.

"Mary?" George asked confused.

"George." She pointed at the doorway. "We have an audience."

He noticed his daughters staring at him. "What are you girls doing up?"

"Daddy?" Lena asked. They were two-years-old and already talking in full sentences. "What are you doing to mommy?"

Her face flushed with embarrassment. She thought they were too young for the birds and the bees talk. "I'll tell you when you're older."

They climbed on the bed and looked at them with intense curiosity. "You're not hurting mommy are you?"

Embarrassed she buried her face in a pillow.

Barbrady giggled. "Mommy likes it."

She hit him in the face with the pillow and scowled at him. "George!"

"What?" He seemed surprised.

When the babies got bored and fell asleep she scooped them up and put them back to bed. After which George insisted on continuing downstairs in his man cave that was decked out with a mini bar and Denver Broncos paraphernalia.

She moaned when their bodies conjoined and he caressed her gently. But, once again the passion was short lived as his radio crackled and Sergeant Yates called him back to the station.

"Sorry Sir." The red-headed Sgt explained. "Some idiot let the snake from the Mayor's office loose in the station building. We need back up!"

"Oh, camel poo!" He was as frustrated as she was.

"For God's sake Georges!" She snapped at him. "Turn that damn thing off!"

"Sir!" Yates yelled over the radio.

"Just get it out and take it to the zoo!" He shouted at Yates.

"Why didn't they just do that in the first place?" She grumbled. "Idiots."

"We need back up!" Yates insisted.

He exchanged glances with her and scowled at his radio with resentment. They were conjoined with each other and neither wanted to stop.

"You're not going are you?" She looked at him longingly.

"You guys take care of it. I'm busy with my wife!" Barbrady snapped at Yates.

"Chief is getting lucky with the Mayor." She heard Foley saying in the background.

"Nnnniiiicccceee!" Officers sounded impressed.

She glowered at the radio. She would have their balls for this later. Barbrady turned the radio off and threw it across the room. "Where were we my dear?"

She giggled. "Finally. Some time to ourselves." They spent the rest of the evening making slow tender love. Despite this she knew it would be weeks before she would feel comfortable returning to her office building because of the damned snake.

XXXX

Frustrated he sent his stepfather a text message. "You guys suck. They're all laughing at me now."

He squealed like a woman when he noticed the rubber snake around his shoulders. His fellow officers were laughing at him.

"I never noticed this before." Barkley giggled. "He sounds like his mom."

Foley handed him a can of peanuts. He screamed when he opened it and snakes flew out at his face. "Fuck all of you!" He shouted at them with irritation. He was the only one that didn't find it funny. They were only laughing because it was him. They wouldn't dare do this to his mother.

"It's not our fault you're a little girl over it." Mitch laughed. He could barely stand in his hysteria.

"You really are your mother's son." Foley added between fits of laughter.

"I've had this fear since childhood." He tried to explain, but it only made them laugh harder. "It's not funny. You guys suck!" he gave up and went on patrol. At least he tried to.

"Wait until he finds the rubber snakes I put in the trunk of his squad car." Foley was still laughing. "I didn't forget the glove compartment either."

"You fucking assholes!" He screamed at them and stormed back into the station building.

"We should've filled his desk." Mitch whispered to Foley.

"He'll tase us in the balls." Barkley added fearfully.

"It's worth it to see him screaming like his mom." Mitch giggled.

"Speaking of mom." He snarled. "How about I tell her it was you two assholes who miss fired the tank during the test run?"

"Oh, shiiit!" Foley's face paled at the thought of the boss finding out about the mistake that took out South Park Avenue.

"Take that assholes!" He exclaimed triumphantly. "No more snake jokes and she never knows."

"Okay, okay!" Mitch tried to calm him down. "No more snake jokes." No one wanted to get fired because of a fear of snakes.


End file.
